It's a Mom-lemma.

The slow moving change of my life is about to get another jolt, and I am nervous.  I've been a work at home mom since my baby was 6 weeks old, but up until now I've had my spouse home to share the domestic and child care duties.  This allowed me to get lots of work done during the day and not have to worry if my 6 month old was upstairs lighting fires or eating paint.  However, as of June 6th, the man is going back to work and the woman (me, I'm a woman) is staying home to hold down the fort, mind the youngster, AND run a business.

I thought I was going to have it made when my neighbour, a stay at home dad who has a child the same age as mine, suggested we team up.  I was all "shit yea, son, let's do it up", until I  heard what he had in mind for the division of labour.  He would be "taking care" of all the hanging out, sleeping in, and playing video games, while I took over all the mom duties. Needless to say, I think I can manage without the "help".

I think what's going to happen is that I'll be doing a lot of evening and weekend work, while taking care of Mimi during the day.  Sure I can do the odd thing like invoicing, ordering stock and supplies, printing transparencies etc. while Myriam is chilling next to me.  But the more time sensitive tasks (like exposing and coating screens) or the tasks that require a substantial chunk of time (printing 300 shirts, for example) can not be done while tending to a small child.  

Even a baby this cute throws fits and needs her mom sometimes.

A friend of mine is a graphic designer with 2 kids, and she has someone come to her home to babysit the youngest while the oldest is in daycare.  That way she can be productive for 2 or 3 hours during the day and not have to scamper away to work the second her husband gets home. I'd love to do the same, but other than my sister in law  (who may or may not have the time to come) I don't really know anybody who can help out! 

I've got a mom-lemma...or I'm a dilem-mom...or I make really terrible jokes.  At least I've got a hierarchy of stuff in my life which removes the burden of choice. I can't choose between making a deadline or taking care of my baby. Even when she has boogs in her nose and inflicts grievous bodily harm (her nails are sharp!) she's still going to be more important than my work.  Alternatively, my work is going to take precedence over my sleep, but sleep is usually more important than eating, or at least eating healthy.  Seriously, when you're up early every morning, what would you rather do at night when you finish work:  take an hour to prepare a healthy meal, then have to spend another 20 or 30 minutes eating said meal, or cram some chips in your face and then crawl into bed and pass out?

I guess I'll have to start getting even more creative with my time management.  I just thought of my first time saver!  I'll eat the chips IN bed!  If anyone has any other helpful short cuts like that, do me a solid and send them my way.  I'll be sure to share all mine with you!

Waiting for the perfect moment.

I really like writing this blog.  For me, this blog is a link to a part of me that I don't get to express very much in my day to day life.  All day long my thoughts are consumed by Myriam, and my time is consumed by mundane tasks that pile up if they don't get taken care of right away (hello, cloth diapers).  I'm typically doing 2 or 3 things at once; cooking while I wash dishes and dance for M in her high chair, folding laundry while wearing the baby on my back.  Checking out facebook while M is hanging off my boob.  I've become remarkably domestic.  While it's nice that I've been able to adapt to my new role in life, it makes me sad that there's a substantial part of me that's being pushed to the backburner for now.

When the midget is out of my hair (either sleeping or downstairs with her dad) and the timing is just right (I'm not too hungry, there's not too many chores piled up, my online banking is done, the moon is in the seventh house, etc. etc.) then I can really let loose and write a post.  I know, how exciting, a blog post is how I let loose.  Whatever, shut up.  It IS exciting for me becuase it's the only occasion that I can focus on creativity, writing, business, and just random thoughts that *don't* revolve directly around the midget. 

Here's the problem though, Myriam needs me all the time, I'm always hungry, there are always chores piled up, I NEVER do my online banking, and I don't even know what the seventh house is!  So you see, the timing is never just right for me to let loose.  I am always waiting for the perfect moment, and that moment never seems to arrive.  My mother told me this, when I was not sure if it was the right time to try to have a baby.  She said to me "Jillian, there it's never a right time.  But you do it anyways".  Thanks mom.  No, seriously.  That is some good advice.

Maybe you want to start a business, or have a baby, or write a blog post, but you're waiting around for something (an invitation perhaps?)  It's never gonna happen.  I may as well shut down my blog if I'm only going to post during an ideal moment.  Right now, I am eating supper that I cooked while writing this post, nursing my baby, and finishing this post with my one free hand.   Evidently, the perfect moment is now.

Multi tasking: crocheting while caring for Myri.

The long and (very) short of it. And by "it", I mean sleep.

My glass of lemon mineral water I enjoyed by candle light while writing this entry.

It's been my first official week back to work.  All I can say is wow.  I'm tired.  Well, it's not all I can say, otherwise this post would be over now.  I've been up working in the studio and running errands since 7 this morning, and 12 hours later I'm finally sitting down for a rest.  What I want to talk about is reality, or at least MY reality.

I thought that working from home with a baby would be easy-peasy.  I had this vision of myself at my drafting table, baby on my back, working the day away like I used to.  In reality, I can only work for 2 hours or so at a time, because I have to stop to nurse the baby.  And, in reality, I can't seem to get her strapped to my back without her throwing up on my neck.  Twice (something about the bouncing to get her up high enough on my back).  Also, one requires a certain amount of rest in order to function the next day.  As awesome as night feedings are (who doesn't love to snuggle a tiny baby in the dark?) they are depriving me of something integral to my performance:  more than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  The reality is, I have no idea when I'm going to sleep again, since I have no intention of moving Myriam from my bed any time soon.  I though that my life would continue on just as it was,  more or less, except I'd be carrying a baby.  Not so.

What I'm discovering is that things are different than they were, and they're different from how I thought they would be.  This reality is both new and unexpected.  Toss in a pressing need to work, and each day starts feeling like more of a mess than the last.  It's not the work, or the baby, or the bio hazardous kitchen that throws me off.  It's the things that I'm not doing, like watching a movie from start to finish, doing yoga in the evening, or drawing late at night.  It's the loss of the non-essential activities that I feel so profoundly.

So, here's my secret to dealing with a new reality:  give in and accept it.  Ohhh, you're more tired than you used to be?  Ohhh, you don't have as much time to spend on yourself as you did before?  Too bad.  Life is change.  Time passes, and each moment is different from the next.  I don't mean to settle into a life that's less than what you want and give in to defeat.  I mean in order to move forward in life you first have to accept it the way it is.  Then you can start to prioritise, find out what can't be helped, and learn to work around it to be happy.  I MUST work, so sometimes my house is gonna be a little...filthy in a way that the rats won't even come in.  I MUST take care of my daughter, so my late night drawing is gonna have to wait for a few years.  Instead of clinging to what I used to do, I'm accepting that things are different now and all I just have to do something else.  This evening, my yoga is replaced by cradling a baby and writing this blog entry.  That's a change I'm willing to make.

Don't be so stupid with your time, dummy.

You get used to living your life a certain way, then things change, and you have to find new ways to do things, create new habits, develop new routines, drop all your old ones.  I used to crawl out of bed around 9 or 10, relax around the house for an hour or two, then work as I pleased at intervals of my choosing.  Now I'm up at 7 or 8 in the morning to feed, change, and play with the midget for 2 hours, after which she goes back to sleep.  That's the magic time when most moms eat, bathe, check emails, smoke crack, etc.  That's what I've been doing too, up until now (minus the crack.  I'm a meth girl 'cause I love the way my face looks covered in scabs).

I'm realizing, however, that this new routine is going to have to change if I ever want to get any work done.  I've discovered that those magic hours in the morning when Myriam is sleeping are the hours during which I have the most energy.  By the time my next chunk of "me" time rolls around in the afternoon, I'm ready to crawl under a rock somewhere, never to be seen again.  Like an idiot, that is the time I normally allot for work.  Can you guess what happens?  That's right, NOTHING.  Nothing ever gets done.  Well, an old Will and Grace DVD gets watched, some potato chips get eaten, but that is all. 

So, here's my third tip for solving my time management issue mentioned here.  Don't be an asshole with your time.  Sounds obvious, but it's taken me 28 years to figure it out, even though I'm sure I've been told before.  Decide when your most productive hours during the day are, and reserve that time for working and nothing else.  If your productive hours are on Friday night from 8 p.m. to 3 a.m., then you'll have to spare your social life and be a freaky shut in if you ever want to succeed.  Luckily for me, my productive hours occur when the rest of the world is unconscious.  Too bad I'm the one who's unconscious on Friday nights, and I'm the freaky shut in.

Oh well.  I'm sure it wont' be long before my habits change again.  Maybe one day my afternoons won't be filled with Will and Grace, and potato chips, but Flight of the Concords and Cheetos.

My daughter the tsunami.

Anyone that follows this blog is probably aware that I move at a glacial pace (as can be seen by the frequency with which I post on my blog).  Change in my life is usually slow and steady.  Well, this time change has been monumental, flooding into my life and rearranging everything, more like a tsunami than a slow moving glacier.  I'm talking about a 6lb 4oz baby girl named Myriam.

Thanks to my cousin Becki for taking an awesome pic.

Now that 6 weeks have gone by, it's safe to say that I'm eager to begin working again.  Easy to say, tough to do, when an 11lb midget would rather I spend all my waking hours (and sleeping hours) with her.  Seriously, I have to plan my bathroom breaks around when my spouse is home.

My new challenge, which I am keenly interested in overcoming, is learning how to manage my time with a house, a baby, and myself to take care of, as well as a business to grow.  My first tip is this:  Get or make a sling!  Here's a picture of me hand writing the first draft of this blog post with my angel on my chest.  I actually made soup while wearing her in this thing last night.  So convenient.

My second tip is to have a spouse who can take 9 months off work so you can work at home while he cares for the midget. 

All right, reel it in.  Do not make this blog into a mom blog.  I promise I'll still write about business, but you're going to have to put up with the odd "working mom" post.  I will leave you with a couple of pictures of my new studio spaces in the basement of my house.  They're coming along!  The only thing that I desperately want to change is the little blue room.  By all rights, it should be green, no?

My printing area.

The dry studio, for drawing and sewing.

Little blue room.