Nov 18, 2010

The long and (very) short of it. And by "it", I mean sleep.

My glass of lemon mineral water I enjoyed by candle light while writing this entry.

It's been my first official week back to work.  All I can say is wow.  I'm tired.  Well, it's not all I can say, otherwise this post would be over now.  I've been up working in the studio and running errands since 7 this morning, and 12 hours later I'm finally sitting down for a rest.  What I want to talk about is reality, or at least MY reality.

I thought that working from home with a baby would be easy-peasy.  I had this vision of myself at my drafting table, baby on my back, working the day away like I used to.  In reality, I can only work for 2 hours or so at a time, because I have to stop to nurse the baby.  And, in reality, I can't seem to get her strapped to my back without her throwing up on my neck.  Twice (something about the bouncing to get her up high enough on my back).  Also, one requires a certain amount of rest in order to function the next day.  As awesome as night feedings are (who doesn't love to snuggle a tiny baby in the dark?) they are depriving me of something integral to my performance:  more than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  The reality is, I have no idea when I'm going to sleep again, since I have no intention of moving Myriam from my bed any time soon.  I though that my life would continue on just as it was,  more or less, except I'd be carrying a baby.  Not so.

What I'm discovering is that things are different than they were, and they're different from how I thought they would be.  This reality is both new and unexpected.  Toss in a pressing need to work, and each day starts feeling like more of a mess than the last.  It's not the work, or the baby, or the bio hazardous kitchen that throws me off.  It's the things that I'm not doing, like watching a movie from start to finish, doing yoga in the evening, or drawing late at night.  It's the loss of the non-essential activities that I feel so profoundly.

So, here's my secret to dealing with a new reality:  give in and accept it.  Ohhh, you're more tired than you used to be?  Ohhh, you don't have as much time to spend on yourself as you did before?  Too bad.  Life is change.  Time passes, and each moment is different from the next.  I don't mean to settle into a life that's less than what you want and give in to defeat.  I mean in order to move forward in life you first have to accept it the way it is.  Then you can start to prioritise, find out what can't be helped, and learn to work around it to be happy.  I MUST work, so sometimes my house is gonna be a little...filthy in a way that the rats won't even come in.  I MUST take care of my daughter, so my late night drawing is gonna have to wait for a few years.  Instead of clinging to what I used to do, I'm accepting that things are different now and all I just have to do something else.  This evening, my yoga is replaced by cradling a baby and writing this blog entry.  That's a change I'm willing to make.