You see what you want to see.

I know I complain a lot about my kid, but mostly I'm just kidding.  The truth is, she's nothing more and nothing less than herself.  She needs to be picked up more often than other babies.  She has an unpredictable sleep schedule.  She may or may not eat when food is placed in front of her.  Sometimes she nurses 3 or 4 times at night.

She also does a lot of really cool stuff.  She usually asks for the potty (even at restaurants) when she has to pinch one off.  I can count on one hand the dirty diapers I change in a month.  She says a lot of words, always knows when it's her dad on the phone, recognizes pictures of her grandparents, and always knows to say "Bop" (pop) right after she says Nan.  When her Baby Einstein video says the word "friend", she looks at me and says "Mai?" because Mai is the little girl next door, her best friend.

So, high needs, low needs, mad skills, no skills, she just is what she is.  The hard part of my job is having the patience to deal with the times when her "flaws" seem the greatest.  That gets me to thinking about labels again (click), and how we tend to label benign traits according to how convenient or inconvenient they are for us.  For example, Myriam needs a great deal of attention and physical contact.  Some people call it needy, clingy, or say she's too dependant.  But you could also see this trait as securly attatched, bonded, or loving.  Another example is when we go out places, or have new people visit our home; she takes a while to relax and be at ease. She's really "sensitive".  Or shy.  Or a scaredy-cat. Or, as I would rather see it, she's very perceptive, and aware of her surroundings.  She's not a wimp, she has an analytical mind, and needs to figure things out before she's fully comfortable. 

See what I'm getting at here?  None of these traits are either negative or positive, but the words we attach to the traits give them a good or a bad value.  It's a classic glass half full, glass half empty scenario.  Personally, when describing my daughter, and life in general, I'd much rather be going around with my glass half full.  And when there's only a drop left in the bottom, I want to exclaim "Sweet!  There's still a drop left in here!".

Make a night of it.

My wicked awesome next door neighbour and I were hanging out the other day in her driveway with our babies.  It was a hot sunny day, unusually so for late September.  The visit was short, only about half an hour or so, but it was SO MUCH FUN.  Not kidding you, it was the highlight of my day.  Last night we were hanging out again, contemplating how something so mundane could be so much fun.  She noted that when we were kids, fun was measured by how long something lasted, how much action there was, whether or not you were up past 2 a.m.  She thought it was funny that now, a quiet evening at home with her family or a 30 minute chat on an otherwise busy day could bring the same amount of enjoyment as an all night house party, or a long night of dancing at some bar downtown.  My spouse thinks that perhaps as you get older, any respite from responsibility feels like so much fun.  Like, wow, I'm not in an office at 9 a.m. trying to teach some old guy how to send an email.  Or, wow, I'm not cooking while doing the dishes while trying to comfort a screaming baby who just.won't.sleep.  Hell yea, sitting on hot asphalt with a great friend sounds a LOT better than that. 

While I love relaxing and getting a bit of down time with friends, sometimes I wish I could be productive at the same time as I'm being social.  Turns out, there's a great way to do that!  Well, depending on what you consider productive.  It won't work if you're a welder, but works great if you're a writer.  I'm talking about a writing jam!  Or a drawing jam, knitting jam, excel spreadsheet jam (if that's what you're into).  I'm so excited I've finally found a friend here who wants to go to a coffee shop and hang out and write.  Not talk, just do some productive work for pleasure.  I used to do this all the time in Newfoundland with my fellow drawers and writers, but since I moved here I haven't really found anyone who enjoys working while hanging out with friends (I know right, wtf? Who doesn't love to work instead of converse?) 

It's not for everybody, that for sure.  There are a lot of people who either need alone time to work, or are just too into chatting to be able to get'er done.  However, when you find someone that it does work with, the results can be fantastic.  Not only are you not being a social reject, isolated and alone with your pathetic ideas, you actually have a second mind to bounce said ideas off of.  I'm never as creative on my own as I am when I'm working along side others.  Eskimark, //d, Jackie, Bekki, Lacey, I'm thinking of yous guys.  The creative energy that develops when two (or more) people are involved is so inspiring, so motivating... I can't wait to be at it again on a regular basis.  It's one of those things that makes me feel like my "old" self (pre-Myriam), and it's also a wonderful way to keep the creativity alive.  Less like a shriveled old raisin in the back of your mind, more like a juicy bunch of grapes, where each grape is a different idea.  Right? Right?  (This is one of those times where I need a second mind to bounce my pathetic ideas and lame jokes off of).  Does anyone else love to do this, or is it just me and my anti-social friends?  Here's an antique photo of me when I was like, 23.  My friend //d took it one night when we were having a design jam.  Thanks D!!!

Etsy Banners.

I said a while ago that I wanted to focus more on my own things, more sewing, more designing.  I've done just that.  :)  I won't give it all away right now, but check out these 3 Etsy banners I just made. I'm working on getting some new things up in the shop over the next 2 weeks or so.  Can't wait!!  I like the first banner the best I think.  What do you guys think?

When you're not where you thought you'd be.

Sometimes I look at myself and my life and thoughtlessly compare it to other people's.  Like that girl I know who is a marine biologist.  Or that couple that just spent 2 weeks in Thailand after their lavish wedding ceremony.  Or my successful graphic designer cousin who is in her early 20s and just bought a house with her boyfriend who is a doctor (fairy tale much?).   Up until a little over a year ago, I was still living in an icy cement block of an apartment where the windows were drafty and getting hot water in the morning was a matter of luck and timing, never a guarantee.

Then I think of my parents, who suffered a devastating blow after my father was crippled in a motorcycle accident 27 years ago.  Talk about not being where you thought you'd be: in a hospital bed smoking what you thought was your last cigarette,  working at a shoe store in the mall and suddenly being (essentially) a single mom trying to pay for a house.  I think of another lady I know, who ended up being a single mom to three children because her ex husband was too much of a crap sack to stay with.  I think of and old friend whom I haven't spoken to in a decade, and wonder if her cancer ever came back a third time, I wonder if she's still around.

There are so many different circumstances you can find yourself in, and things can change gradually over time, or suddenly one rainy night.  You can always find a new circumstance though, a new path.  My mother went to night school so she could get a better job (which she got, fyi).  My father, after a year and a half of learning to walk again, learned how to program computers when he could no longer be a mechanic (due to crip-walking.heh.)  The lady who was the single mom ended up running 3 mad-successful businesses SIMULTANEOUSLY and still seems to find new opportunities every day (I'm not kidding you, this woman is my business-hero).   When you find yourself saying "I'm not where I thought I'd be",  you can remind yourself that no one is.  At one point I thought I'd be teaching English somewhere in Asia, I thought I was going to be a speech pathologist, I thought I was going to work at an insurance company forever, I thought I'd always be alone, I thought I'd always be childless.  I am, however, none of those things.  If you dont' like where you are at the present, you can always make a new choice, find a different path to walk on.  You might end up somewhere better than you thought you'd be.

Writing an artist's statement when you're not an artist...

 I'm participating in FOE (Festival de l'Outaouais Emergent) in a couple of weeks, from Sept. 8th to 11th.  While I'm really excited, I'm also really nervous!  I keep worrying that I don't have enough merchandise to stock my table, or that none of it will sell, or that it will all sell and then I'll have to sit at an empty booth for 3 days (yea right).

I was asked by the organizer the other day to submit an artist statement for my work.  The only problem is, I'm not really an "artist" at the moment, and I don't feel like I'm making art!  I've been over and over the question of what art is a million times when I was in art school.  There are so many answers and none of them seem to be wrong.  My own personal definition has to do with intent.  If the person who made it says it's art, then it's art, within reason.   Although perhaps it's not fair of me to assign a condition based on my own personal bias to someone else's work.  Who am I to define something so subjective and personal to someone else?

The point is, what I'm doing at this moment doesn't feel like art, but has the same process as my artwork would normally have.  I guess you could call it "wearable fabric sculpture", but I prefer to call it "hair accessories".  See my dilemma?  Of course I could fluff it up, lie through my teeth and clumsily impose some kind of meaning to the work.  Honestly I just like making things that are fun and pretty, and I enjoy the actual process of it all; hand sewing, placing tiny beads in just the right place, fussing over every minute detail. So, shag it, I thought.  I'll just write about that!  Here it is, my "not art" artist statement!

 
I have always enjoyed the physical process of creating, whether with a pencil, a camera, or a needle and thread.  The more time and energy it takes to make, the more I enjoy it!  The Elephant Studio is a way for me to make a life at exhausting all my ideas and letting my hands create what ever I want, as soon as it comes to mind.

I'm really inspired by ornate costumes from the past, clothing from other cultures, art nouveau, and fashion in general.  Although we can't all dress like Marie Antoinette or a Chinese empress every day, I like to create pieces that impart a whisper of that fantastic luxury when worn, and blend their intended function with some sort of elegant or quirky visual appeal.  My hope is that people enjoy wearing the pieces as much as I enjoy creating them.

Life Cartography

It's been one hell of a time since I've taken on the role of stay at home mom.  Myself and Mimi are getting our routine down, she's sleeping for longer (neglected, outside the door in her stroller) and I'm getting a little more work done during the day.  I've also been making a lot more mistakes.  I know that mistakes are a part of life, inevitable occurrances that show you're still learning and growing, but I'm wondering if they're not a sign that I'm heading the wrong way.  For the past 2 or 3 jobs I've done, I've had to reshoot at least one screen per job because I didn't place the transparency in the right spot, or somehow it didnt' shoot up right, or I tried to remove some ink with my spray bottle full of emulsion stripper (which, for those of you who dont' know, STRIPS the screen bare) instead of ink remover.  Today I rushed to the studio to work while Mimi slept and things went well until I came back up to the kitchen to find...bright yellow ink.  On the chair.  Which came from...my ass.  Somehow, I managed to rub up against something that was covered in ink.  This likely happened because i was wearing a poofy skirt in the studio.  STUPID.  Yup, I was in such a rush to work that I neglected to put on proper studio clothes.  At least when I brush up against something in pants, I feel it on my leg and wipe it off.  But with a poofy skirt swooshing around,  I have no idea what kind of trouble my hem is dipping into.  The worst part of all:  I found a box of t shirts that I printed for a client a month ago.  To be fair, it was a really huge order, it was my first week alone with the baby, and *insert other really good excuse here*.  There is nothing acceptable about that, and making a mistake like that is a really bad sign.

The problem is, the more I work, the worse these mistakes seem to get, and the worse I feel about the whole thing.  The pressure, the deadlines, the rushing, and the baby are not things I can handle all at once.  Separately, no problem.  Together, they form a life that I'm not sure I enjoy.   I was nervous about being a work at home mom, looking for all the tips and tricks to make it work.  Now I'm thinking: do I even want to make it work?  Don't get me wrong, I still want to have my own business and do what I can while home.  But perhaps I need to pull back a bit, give myself some room to breathe, a moment to myself when I don't have to rush, allow myself a mindset that isn't consumed with deadlines and finances.  I keep forgetting that people do childcare for a living.  They get paid for it!  I do it all day for free, and then go work some more until I'm too tired to stand.  I'm like that stupid Halls candy that's got "2 jobs man" (remember those tropical Halls throat drop things? They were delicious.)

Every now and then in life you have to stop, take a step back, and really evaluate what you're doing.  You take inventory of your life, and then decide where it is you want to take yourself. This is by far one of the hardest things we have to do.  Although you can get all the helpful advice you want, ultimately it's going to fall on your own shoulders.  Some people are lousy at it, some people rule.  I feel like I fall somewhere in between that.  I don't feel like a stagnant person, never changing and accepting life as it comes.  But I also don't feel like a real go getter, a tiger who plows through life making their fate just what they want it to be.


So, what do I want?  Where do I want my life to take me?  I know I'll keep printing, but I want to be able to watch a movie in the evening, or read a book during Myriam's nap without feeling guilty about it.  I'd rather be working more on my own projects (sewing, printing, crochet, etc.) instead of only printing everyone else's designs.  As my own boss, I should be able to decide how many hours a week I work and what projects I choose to take on, right?  I have said before, in a post long ago, about how owning your own business is really about being in control of your own life.  But somehow, I don't feel so in control.  I am still letting life fall into my lap, instead of reaching for what I want. 

I'm curious to hear from you, dear readers, if you've ever felt like you're straying from your path, and what did you do to fix it?

Pride and Prejudice and Professionalism.

I'm not gonna lie, I love good manners.  Or perhaps it's proper etiquette that I love.  Actually, I think it's both.  I love it when people hold doors for each other, say thank you, compliment each other's shoes in the elevator.  Nothing charms and entices me like a razor sharp outfit, and nothing ruins my day more than an inappropriately dressed person (I'm talking about YOU, muffin tops at the shoe store, stop wearing lingerie to work.  I wouldn't buy shoes from you if my feet were covered in scabs and I was going for a walk on the sun).  I even love entertainment that is about behaving appropriately (I'm pathetic).  Know what my favorite movie is?  Pride and Prejudice, not because of the romance, but because of how everyone is so prim and proper.  Last summer I read Portrait of a Lady loved that too.  I'm sure some people find that stuff boring, or pompous, or superficial, but I think it makes the world nicer to look at, and nicer to live in.

It's not such a bad thing to be interested in though, because I think my mild obsession with etiquette has given me a bit of an edge in my business life, since being professional goes hand in hand with manners and etiquette.  Every client gets treated the same way, and whether I'm going to someone's office for a meeting, or going to pick up a bunch of dollar store t shirts at someone's house, I never show up in jeans and sneakers.

I've been thinking a lot about professionalism, and how some people have it, but most people just don't.  I got off the phone with my t shirt supplier on a Friday and was shocked to find that an order I placed early in the week, and had received confirmation of shipment for TWICE, was in fact, sitting on their warehouse floor, in a pile of boxes that were waiting to be picked up by customers.  It sat on the floor for 4 days, even after I called to be sure it was on its way to me.  Even after I was TOLD it was on its way to me.  When I finally became aware of this gross error (after calling again to get them to track the package) I was furious, but polite (as usual) but the guy on the phone was all "oh, shit happens.  i feel bad.  it must have been the guy who packed the box".  I have not received any further correspondence from the rep I usually deal with, though he is probably aware of the problem.

The point of my long winded story is:  it was crazy unprofessional.  To shag up a client's order and then act like it was some random thing that happens all the time is ridiculous in my opinion.  Needless to say, I'm taking my business else where.  I can't stand working with unprofessional businesses, and thank goodness, I do have a choice in suppliers. I can drop a shitty supplier as fast as I'd pop C.Cassie in the mouth if I ever met her/him.

The really unfortunate thing is when your own clients are crazy unprofessional.  Things like being really late with a payment, or not giving me an order in on time so it either holds me up or ends up making me have to rush like a madwoman to finish a job, not being there when you say you will be  (and I end up carting my 10 month old around town in the 40 degree heat of the summer for nothing).   It bothers me when I can't get hold of a client for days at a time, so I can't confirm proofs with them, and have my printing press held hostage until someone remembers to email me back "yup.  that works.  go for it".  Not cool, not very businesslike.

Sucks to your assmar though, you can't send an angry letter to a client, or even act irritated with them at all.  Unless, of course, you really like bridge burning, shooting yourself in the foot, biting the hand that feeds you, etc. etc.  I'm not into any of those things!  luckily I have those nice manners to fall back on, and I try to keep a disposition that enables me to brush off all that crap that drives me insane about people.  Unless I'm being mistreated, or a client is doing something that is really wrecking my life, I tend to just suck it up and try my best to be more clear in the future about timing, payment, things of that nature.

Now, if you'll excuse me, someone on my street is riding a mini bike.  It is loud, irritating, and risks waking my baby (then I'll have to *eugh* take care of her...) I find this to be extremely rude, so I gotta go bust up some kneecaps and make this neighbourhood a nicer place to live in.