Feb 17, 2012

Every decision is different, so you can't always make the same choice. duh.

A few weeks ago I applied for a really cool  FREE 6 day business training program and got accepted!  It was awesome.  I had to write up this huge application, and then I went in for an interview where I had to give a 10 minute presentation about my business idea (opening a holistic/preventative health clinic).  I worked hard at it and enjoyed the process, but the whole time I was feeling really reticent about it.  I didn't actually think I'd get accepted, since my idea is still in it's early stages, but I guess I did a good enough job in the interview so it *seemed* like I had my shit together.

When I got the email early this week telling me I had been accepted for the first 3 days of training, I wasn't happy.  My first thought was "crap.  Now I have to do this."  That's not a good sign!!  I was thinking about how much driving and sitting in traffic I'd have to do.  Plus my mother is visiting on one of the days, so I'd have to miss a day of training, which basically ruins it.  I'd be concerned about how Myriam would deal without me for 3 days in a row.  I'd have to bring my pump and keep slipping away so that I wouldn't end up bursting out of my bra at the end of the day. 

None of this really felt like a problem to me, they were just minor inconveniences. What did feel like a problem was the fact that I was not ready to pursue this idea yet.  I'm excited about it, but right now my mind is focused on learning school material, writing seminars, and generally just thinking about working on my little one person business.  Having to plan for a business that will hire 6 people within 3 years is kind of out of my range of thought at the moment.  And I would feel really bad about taking a spot away from someone who's ready for training like this. 

I'm really thinking about long term plans, how to set myself up with a career for the rest of my life, where I can grow my business, how I can add new services, etc. but, as I've mentioned before, I...move...at....a........glacial......pace.  When it comes to making changes in my life, it's almost always been slow and steady, with lots of planning and testing the waters before I jump in.  Actually, if you've ever been swimming with me, you'd know that that's how I get into real water as well.  I'm not kidding, it takes me half an hour to get in.

I spent 2 days feeling lucky that I had such a great opportunity for learning, but feeling stressed about it and not actually wanting to go.  So I asked myself "hey asshole, if you really don't feel like doing this, why are you?"  I wondered why I was doing something on account of feeling like I should rather than becuase I actually wanted to.  I don't act on default.  I hate doing something for any other reason than because I really want to do it.  I called in backup in the form of my ever supportive spouse, and my ever supportive mother, and they totally agreed with me (that's what back up does, right? Backs you up?)  So I said shag it; I emailed them, apologized, and cancelled my business training. 

My motto for this year has been "If not now, then when?" (I got it off a friend's facebook status on New Year's day. clever, yes?)  The phrase has some kind of majical effect on me, and motivates me like nothing else.  So when I have to make a decision lately, I've just been going for everything, asking myself "well, if you don't do it now, when are you going to do it?".  It's helped me to make some really big decisions and I feel great about the choices I've made.  It's hard to draw the line though, and realise that sometimes I do have to step back and put something off.  With regards to the business training, I ask "if not now, then when?""  And I answer "Um, when I'm ready duh."  Then I hit myself for saying duh, because my other motto is "hit anyone that still says duh".  And my other motto is "only losers clap by themselves".  Then I high five myself for knowing how to be so smooth.

The point is, every decision has to be weighed on its own.  Just because you're feeling like a real go getter at a moment in time doesn't mean you have to try to go get everything at once.  Focus your efforts where they will benefit you the most.  Right now, focusing my efforts to go to the supermarket will benefit me the most, since there's nothing left in the house to eat besides wrinkled potatoes, lentils, and hoisin sauce....so, I'm off!!